he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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