The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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