thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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