sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
