wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
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