Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Drake has all the answers
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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