I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
