I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
