do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
