I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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