cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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