Screwed.edu
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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