You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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