this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
