Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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