I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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