hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
