hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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