Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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