GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
