Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
