Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
