I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
