sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
