Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
