....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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