She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
He passed out mid-signature
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
