I can't breathe out the right side of my face
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
