so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Drunk is not a location!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
