Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Don't EVER smell your tampon
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
