Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
