Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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