I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
