I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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