i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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