I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
