I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
