am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Randomize
