I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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