Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I want to fling myself into the sun
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
