his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's shark week go big or go home
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
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