True but thats because hes a fetus.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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