Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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