I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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