in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
