shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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