If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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