I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Randomize
