I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
