I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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