The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
