She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
