I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
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I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Randomize