He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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