oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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