How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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