I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
