How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
