So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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