The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
